It’s odd being back in performance mode after being away for a few days. It was only three days, but we’ve been chugging nonstop for a while, so a break felt surreal.
In my experience, the second Thursday performance is a ‘getting back into it’ show. There are hiccups and we may not function as clean-cut and precisely as we used to, but there is a lot of room for discoveries.
After performing today, I can once again say that’s exactly what happened. On some lines, I felt an inclination to say it completely differently. As I did so, I actively noticed that what I had done before wasn’t entirely authentic. It tended to be in the realm of entertainment. That is, I didn’t feel the need to “amp up” certain lines. Saying them authentically/relaxed communicated the ideas much clearer.
Today’s snafus and discoveries will enhance tomorrow’s performance, and I’m excited to be even more present in the future.
I almost forgot a prop in one of my scenes today and the panic in my body seemed to blur my vision the entire time. I couldn’t say whether it enhanced or entirely blocked my performance. Donnellan mentions that the blocked actor is focused on themselves, and I’m trying to discern whether I was focused on the panic in my body or if I was fighting to change my partner with my body as an obstacle. One sounds like acting and the other doesn’t. Regardless, I am proud of myself for not trying to “amp up” the rest of my scenes, as that would lead to demonstrative instead of honest acting.
I’d also like to address some distressing thoughts I had today after the performance. “Is that it?” came to mind. In theory, this is the best news I could have, as that’s the measure of success mentioned in The Actor and the Target. Yet, I still felt that today was sub-par. I could’ve been more vocally healthy. I did a weird thing with my line in scene seven. That scene didn’t feel as intense as it usually does. I kept falling in and out of the moment.
This is me at my best. I have prepared like mad for this moment and in my eyes, it falls short of excellence. It falls short of perfection. I thought “How could I be a professional actor if this is the best I have to offer?”
Woooooooaaaah. Jumping into the deep end, are we? I’d hate for my journal entries to be bleak. What I think this boils down to is the inverse correlation between how I felt I did and how well I actually did. If my performance felt flat, it actually meant I was in the moment and was doing my job well because I wasn’t there, Arbuthnot was.
It’s hard to accept this fact because the stakes are so damn high! I can accept that faith is needed for a wonderful performance, but the immense fear of having a bad performance causes issues. If Kevin saw there was a fire in Klein Theatre, telling him to just “wait and have faith the fire department will arrive in time” is an invalidation of his feelings to some extent. Of course I need to have faith but I can’t just sit by and let it burn down everything. Rather I’d focus on convincing him not to grab a bucket of water and run in.
I don’t want to give a poor performance, but I need to convince myself not to run into the fire instead of pushing away those feelings.
“I felt I did a terrible performance because I went in and out of the moment”
The correct answer, but inconsiderate: Just have faith next time!
The considerate answer: Are you ever 100% in the moment in real life? Of course not! So don’t worry. If anything, your performance was even more nuanced than before.
Tomorrow, I want to be considerate towards myself. If I didn’t feel good about a scene, it’s fine! Laugh! It’s not enough to know how to act well. I need to translate that into comforting thoughts that can allow me to have faith in myself instead of beating myself up for not automatically being there.
To fit another analogy into a long journal entry, it’s like telling someone they need to calm down. Sure, it may be true, but saying that will have the opposite effect. Knowing this, there are more comforting avenues to take that will get us to a calm state. I can’t just tell myself “Have faith”, I need to be smart and identify avenues that would reach it without making it worse.