Aggh! A gorgeous run today. We all felt something after our run of Act 1 and collectively recognized it was the best we’d ever done. Peyton devised a totally new version of Mary this evening, which really surprised me and brought out a different Arbuthnot. This did intimidate me some and I psyched myself out during Act 2, but overall we started and finished strong.
Stumbling on my words was my biggest enemy today. I had a moment or two when I stumbled on my words and fell into my shell, which didn’t serve the story well in those moments.
However, I was kind to myself. When I felt self-conscious on the observation deck scene, I comforted myself by thinking “Are you never self-conscious?” When I stumbled on my words I thought “Have you never stumbled on your words?” We joked backstage about how some of us only got a few hours of sleep the night before. Instead of worrying we all took it as “Wouldn’t YOU get only three hours of sleep before committing murder?”
I realized upon re-reading some of my journal entries that I haven’t gone too in-depth about what new ideas emerge each night. I think this is a good thing because I don’t want to script any ideas beforehand, I want them to emerge spontaneously. Buuut, for the sake of journaling, here are a few that occurred to me in performance
- Of course, I still think about the murder. But I also think about Poirot in the darkness. The danger he presented to me in this show
- “Lives could be damaged, even more than they have been already” I always change what this line means to me. Does Armstrong come to mind? A few nights ago, the thought of losing Mary came to mind. That’s the one that made me cry.
I want to sap the marrow out of my final performance, but I don’t want to force it. If I think “This needs to be amazing” I’ll toss myself out of the moment and block myself. Additionally, if I knew a way to do this already I would have done so. So, surprise surprise, I need to let go. I need to have faith. There is nothing I can do tomorrow to make the show any better other than being open to stimuli.
The comforting phrase is “Enjoy it.” Not “Make it the best performance yet,” just “Enjoy it.” These gorgeous costumes, wonderful characters, and even more brilliant people will only be here one more time. So find reasons to laugh, to cry, to spend time with everyone. Yes, it’s getting rather sappy but it’s quite deserved.
