Wow. A lot of feelings have come up after this performance. Firstly, it went very well all things considered. Minor technical elements went askew, but we learned a lot from the audience’s reactions. Frankly, I didn’t know we were in a comedy. I knew there was funny dialogue, but I didn’t realize that most scenes have some comedic elements, and the only place for unbridled tension is at the end of each act (where it ought to be).
I went on a little mental health journey after the show. I didn’t realize I was unhappy until afterward. I didn’t really care what anyone thought of it, and I wasn’t proud of my work. I want to be ecstatic to perform each night with my friends, some of whom I may not perform another show with. But willing this into existence doesn’t work.
I’ve been dealing with a lot in and out of rehearsal, and I now see that I’m far more unhappy in general than I’ve been giving myself credit for. Voicing these feelings to one of my castmates was really the key to helping me out of this rut. I love every scene I get to do. I’d be remiss if I didn’t kick ass every night with my friends one last time if we can’t again in the future.
Most of all, I want to seek more support and grace from others if I find myself in a similar place again. I want every performance to be joyful and amazing to be in, but there is no way this will be true 100% of the time. Ignoring the bad parts has internalized the very real struggles I’m facing, and now that they’re in the open I may be able to live the 70% good and 30% bad experience, instead of a 100% faked smile.
Lastly, we ran through our measures of success with Marc. Below are the measures we decided on way back at the beginning of the process.
- Want to let go of worries and have fun with them
- Want to foster relationships with everyone in the cast. Wants everyone to bond. Create a pleasant place to be in.
- Would love to have a process full of joy
- Not being afraid to ask questions
- Wants to portray the characters as real people with real problems.
- Wants to get out of their head which can cause him to not have enough room to explore
- He wants to leave no stone unturned. He wants to go it all on the floor.
- Wants to make his character his own.
- Grow as artist
- Wanting to do the story justice.
- Find ways to play and interact on stage when they are not doing lines.
- Wants to have a goal to make this the best performance ever to do the best work of our lives.
- Growing better and not becoming worse
We did it. We get to tell our story to others now and can smile knowing we’ve already succeded :’)